I need rehab

This is to vent my feelings off since tweets only take up a space of 280 characters per post, and I need to write a lot more than that. If you are easily frightened by mental health issues, depression, talk of suicide etc. please go read something else, because here I will open up about myself. 

The Swedish equivalent to rehab is a form of psychiatric ward you can get. Either you go there yourself when you need it, go to therapy and get new medicine there, or in worst case scenarios, gets put on a 5150 hold for days.  

The past few weeks I’ve been thinking of going into psychiatric ward and put myself there for a certain amount of time to get a break from everyone and everything in my life bringing me down. Fondly, I can fantasize about what it would be like to just delete all social media, throw away my phone and contact with everyone and just sleep away my life to heal in a psychiatric center for months. I want to feel better. I truly do, but life has not been very kind to me as of late, nevertheless, ever been kind to me in any form of way throughout my life. 

All I want to is to keep on overdosing in melatonin so that I can sleep for 20 hours per day and just feel happy in my sleep. I want someone that loves me for me to cuddle me into dreamland but it feels like no one really cares for me. Sleep is the one place where I truly can be safe and truly can wish good things for myself and have faith in keeping on with living my life.

I want to escape my life and change my name, change religion again, and move to Ireland where I can live alone for a long time, to either get help or die. I feel censored every single day. And every single night I cry myself to sleep wishing for my perfect life that I know some day I will get, but for now, can’t.  

I want to take me back to a few months ago where I’d listen to Shuhada’ Davitt on Apple Music and just space out while walking in the woods between 3AM and 8AM. All I want is peace and quiet, and also to be left alone till I am accepting of change and people who actually care for me to be in my life.

I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be okay. All I want is a physical contact with a person that I trust my heart to, without having to integrate digitally.  

Sometimes it feels like I will never get what I want to. But I have to stay focused, try to be humble and just be thankful for the few people who haven’t given up on me. My friends, my mother, some of my fans I keep in touch with. I love you. Thank you for reading. 🐳🖤

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